Steve's Clues
by Tito
Summary: Steve and Blue embark on a journey to self discovery.


Steve: Hi out there! It's me, Steve. Have you seen Blue, my puppy?  
  
Some kids: There she is!  
  
Blue: bow?  
  
Steve: Come on in! Welcome to a very special event in our house! We aren't gonna play Blue's Clues today.  
  
Some kids: [use dirty words]  
  
Steve: Instead, we are going to play Steve's Clues!  
  
Some kids: [act confused]  
  
Steve: I have a secret to tell you all, so this time 'round, Blue will dance a little and I will put clues on stuff, and as soon as you see them, you tell me all about it! So, I'll be right back! [he runs off and Blue does a strip tease] I'm back everyone! Let's take a walk! ...... Let's go in this door, where Shovel and Pale play! [he walks in to see Shovel in the Pale] Oh, the horror!  
  
Pale: Steve! Are we going to play a game?  
  
Shovel: Let's try to count the number of whitish stains on the sheet!  
  
Steve: Ok! Look at those stains. There are some red stains, there are some smashed-cat stains, and some white stains. Which ones are white? Is this one? [he points to some blood]  
  
A kid: No, dumb ass.  
  
Blue: [hops by a white stain] Bow?  
  
Some Kids: yeah. YEAH. that's it.  
  
Steve: [points to a smashed piece of cat] Is this a white stain?  
  
Some kids: [only mutters of swearing is heard]  
  
Blue: [hops by another white stain] Bow?  
  
Kids: Yes  
  
Steve: So, that's one... two.... two white stains on this sheet!  
  
Kids: Yay  
  
Steve: Look, blue! It's a clue!  
  
Blue: Bowwwwup!  
  
Steve: You know what this means! We need our Handy.. Dandy... !  
  
Kids: Notebook! notebook.  
  
Steve: Ok... we draw a line here... and a curve there. A circle here.. and there! The positive results of an HIV test! Oh look! It's Mr Salt, and Mrs Pepper! What's wrong, you guys?  
  
Mrs Pepper: Oh, not much. Mr Salt killed my little Paprika in a crack high rage last night, and now there is paprika all over the counter!  
  
Mr Salt: Yes, and I tried to get Hardcore Boiled Eggy, but I could not open the fridge!  
  
Mrs Pepper: He tried to then sniff up the paprika, but it did nothing for him.  
  
Mr Salt: I then tried after my hangover this morning but it only hurt my nose.  
  
Steve: You get a hangover after a crack high?  
  
Mr Salt: Apparently so!  
  
Steve: I guess I'm sniffing the wrong stuff!  
  
Slippery Soap: Oh hohoho! Wooo! Didn't you want me to give this to you, Steve?  
  
Steve: Oh yes, but only after you got off from it.  
  
Slippery Soap: I did that hours ago!  
  
Steve: Then don't you think you can do it again?  
  
Slippery Soap: No, because it was only a few minutes ago! Ho ho!  
  
Kids: A clue! A clue!  
  
Steve: Well.. der? I DID put it there. [takes a machete from his pocket and randomly throws it into the audience, and screams are heard] Well, you know what this means! We need our Handy... dandy...!  
  
Kids: Notebook! notebook  
  
Steve: We draw a line here... a penis here... some of this stuff here... and H, U, N, K, a Y.. and an M, E... and an N. And we have 'August 2001 Issue of Hunky Men.' Let's go...  
  
Voices: Maaaaiiiill tiiiime!  
  
Steve: It's mail time! Here's the mail, it never fails, it makes me want to wag my tail. When it comes I want to wail "MAAAAAAAALLLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!"  
  
Mailbox: Mail's here!  
  
Steve: Oh look! It's from our friend, Martha Stewart!  
  
Martha: Hello, Steven. I notice, and praise you, at your excellent use of condoms. But wouldn't it be exquisite if you added a fascinating touch of sunshine to your box of condoms with a Condom Cozy? Sure, everyone would. Well, get out your violet lace yarn and solid gold sewing needles, with an ensured 3/4" tip. You place the thread on the needle, twist like this and thread it through, and repeat until you get a fashionable Cozy. [takes out a previously made Condom Cozy.] To go with your fun night of condom usage, you're going to need to prepare an elegant souffle to go with either a nice romantic night with the one you love, or non passionate hard animal sex.   
Let's prepare a famous French cuisine, Bon Bleu Chien. Let's take our pre prepared meal out of the oven. See how it glistens? Before cooking, you should add an exquisite tarragon, rose petal and saffron demi-glace for best results on a fascinating meal. When done, cook for about 45 minutes at 750, to ensure your meal is delicate, savourable, and dead. After that, dash it with pecan-crusted hearts of palm, and a delicate mint-fennel sauce. Let it sit for 10 minutes, and serve to the one you love.  
Bye, Steven! [bom du bom du bom bom, Boo!]  
  
Steve: Thanks, Martha! Say, let's go check up with our Felt Friends! [they walk, and get there after watching 20 seconds of walking] Hi friends!  
  
Felt Friend: Oh! Steve! We're busy!  
  
Steve: Oh, sorry! Well, it seems as our Felt Friends were already busy being felt up! [giggles]  
  
Blue: Bark  
  
Kids: A clue! A clue!  
  
Steve: What? You've spotted some poo?  
  
Kids: No! A clue!  
  
Steve: What? The sky is blue!  
  
Kids: Nooo! A clue! A clue!  
  
Steve: Oh, I know! That's Blue! Oh, you found a clue? Where? You know what this means! We need to draw it in our Handy... Dandy...!  
  
Kids: Notebook! notebook  
  
Steve: We draw a squiggly line here.. and there! A pubic hair that isn't mine! That's our third clue.. what? We have our third clue! You know what this means?  
  
Kids: Thinking chair!  
  
Steve: thinking chair!  
Now... what could I want to tell blue with an HIV Test resulting in the outcome as AIDS infected, a dirty homosexual magazine, and a pubic hair of a strange man... Hmm... Could I want to put the results in top of the hair... and read the magazine?  
  
Kids: Steve's a fag  
  
Steve: No, that's not it. I know! Blue! I know what I wanted to tell you! I... found out that.... uhh.... you are really a boy dog! And a gay one! We solved the mystery! Well, bye everyone! Thanks for helping me on my path to Blues self discovery!  
[we zoom out as we see steve getting naked and doing his little dog, Blue. Felt friends, slippery soap, thinking chair, green crayon, Mr Salt, Mrs Pepper, drawer, shovel, and pale all join in on the fun.]


End file.
